Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Delay Indicted, Send Us Your Money!

I was emailed by the Democratic Party at the address I have for a deranged monkey to apply to be co-writer of this blog.
Dear Deranged,

Why do you think I would actually be named "Deranged?" Apparently, I may be deranged, but you're stupid.

House Republican Leader Tom DeLay and two associates were indicted today for criminal conspiracy.

Specifically, the charge is conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws. The indictment is another stark reminder that Republicans have a lucrative money-for-influence machine that will do anything -- including breaking the law -- to funnel corporate and special interest money into their party in huge amounts.

Could I have some details please? Specifics? What part, precisely did he play?

People ask what the difference is between the two parties, and this indictment gives one clear answer.

Republicans are committed to pushing the legal limits to collect checks from special interests who want to use government for their own narrow purposes. Democrats are committed to funding our party with contributions from ordinary Americans so that when we take power, the government will represent the people.

Who needs special interest groups when you have George Soros? And shouldn't that say that "the government will resent the people?" You put a few too many letters in there. What makes you so sure that you will ever take power. I notice that you didn't say when Democrats get elected to power. You take it. The fact is you can't win an election, because you act like deranged monkeys. Heh. I said "Monkeys."

You can make your personal commitment to changing the culture of corruption by getting your Democracy Bond -- a monthly commitment to contribute to the Democratic Party:

I see. Tom Delay get indicted on bogus charges, and I can help by... Er, contributing to the Democrats? Wha?

The Republican Party raises $10 million a month in huge checks from special interests who know they will get a return on their investment in the form of government giveaways and special privileges.

Yay! Good for them. So what. You guys have no special interest lobbies I guess, right?

Even though committed small donors have revolutionized the way campaigns and organizations on our side raise money, the fact is that the Republican National Committee raises twice as much as the Democratic National Committee.

Why is that? Is it corruption, or is it that they have more contributors? And what does this have to do with Tom Delay?

We will never compete with the money Republicans like DeLay can collect through conspiracy and corruption. That's why every single committed Democrat needs to make the Democracy Bond commitment:

Oh. Now I see. Guilt by association, just like the indictment. Delay is a Republican, and Republicans are corrupt, ergo - Delay is guilty. To solve this problem I must... Wait, why are you asking for my money again? Doesn't the State of Texas have the money it needs to process this stupid bogus case? Or is it for your legal expenses... Wait, no. The state of Texas pays the legal expenses to prosecute cases, don't they? So where does my contribution come in?

The only way we will close the gap will be with a million people giving $20 a month.

Oh, so if I give my money, you think you can - what - win elections. Don't make me laugh. Oops - Too late.

A million people sounds like a lot -- and it is. But tens of millions of us already put so much of ourselves into the political process -- talking to friends, knocking on doors for candidates, writing letters to the editor of our local papers, and making contributions from time to time.

But we will only create lasting change if that sense of obligation and responsibility becomes a regular part of our lives.

I see, so if I dedicate my life to your political party, then it will benefit me your political party. I'm still not sure how it benefits me though.

That's the idea behind Democracy Bonds. We are building a community of people committed to a stable, healthy Democratic Party not just for this month or even this election cycle, but for the next generation. Join the Democracy Bond community now:

Wow a community dedicated to a stable, healthy Democratic Party. That would be a vast improvement over a community dedicated to a stable, healthy community. How do I help?
Don't forget to pimp your bank accounts. Yeah! Wasn't this supposed to be about Delay?

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Governor Dean directed us to halt fundraising and divert staff resources to the relief effort. He asked you to contribute to the Red Cross, and staff members were deployed to the Gulf region.

WTF? How did we get off to Hurricane Katrina?

The 24,819 Democracy Bond holders who provide financial stability for our party through their monthly contributions made that possible.

Wouldn't it have been more effective if that money was directed to charity in the first place. Congratulations on being the middle man. Isn't that you party's motto? We'll be the middle man for all your worldly needs. Hey, I like that.

I cannot overstate how important the Democracy Bonds program is to the future of our party. This community of ordinary Americans committed to contributing whatever they can afford defines who we are as a party. If you haven't yet, please join now:

But how? I need to know how?

Whew!. Thanks! I missed it the first 27 times.

The indictment of Tom DeLay is just the tip of the iceberg.

Oh, so your email IS about Tom Delay.

This isn't just about clean campaign financing -- it's about who controls our government. This culture of corruption has dangerous consequences -- the Republican administration has shown us all too clearly what happens when political cronies occupy critical positions of power.

Could you tell me just on detail about this indictment, that isn't more than just innuendo? One fact, that's all I ask. One.

It's time for ordinary people -- whose money is wasted and whose safety is jeopardized by corruption -- to stand up and say, "Enough."

Yes! Enough! I'm sick of corrupt Democrats wasting my money - wait. Did I get that wrong? Silly me. I'm just a stupid conservative.

Let's stand together.

Let's not and vow never to speak of this again, under penalty of Lindy England.

Thank you,
Tom McMahon
Executive Director
Democratic National Committee

P.S. Get the full story and latest news on the DeLay indictment:

Have a nice day. Dork. Lets see keep my money, give it to you. Keep my money, give it to you.

I think I'll keep my money. If anything corrupt did actually happen, it seems to me that the lesson here is that POLITICAL PARTIES aren't good ways to divest one's income. You fellas are a political party. I think I'll keep my money.

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Jo's Cafe, Cafe Oregano

Carnival Of Comedy 22

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